A Mother's Prayer For Her Child by Tina Fey

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the drums to the fiery rhythm of her own heart with the sinewy strength of her own arms, so she need not lie with drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,”she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

Christmas Wish List

Now that Christmas is fast-approaching, and so is Saab's first birthday, I am having my Christmas wish list posted for everyone, including strangers, to see. Why? Because my priority now is to save for Saab's first birthday ballerina-themed party, ergo, I cannot or I should not buy things for myself. So I am leaving all my wants and needs for you guys to buy if you ever feel like sharing your blessings this coming Christmas...NOT! No, I am not asking, I am mandating you to give me gifts! Haha!

So here's the list:

1. Eye glasses: NEED
Because I spend more than 12 hours of my day, 6 days of my week in front of the computer I don't have the 20/20 vision I had just 2 years ago. Now, I my eyesight is so poor, I probably won't recognize you if you are walking towards me from 3 or more meters away. I am also having severe headaches in which I attribute to my poor eyesight as well. You see, eye glasses (check-up, lens, frame) cost P4k or more and I cannot simply afford to buy one. Yes, I am just being stingy. And because New Girl is my new favorite show, I want glasses like that of hers.

UPDATE: FOR THOSE WHO ARE PLANNING TO GIVE ME NUMBER 1, YOU CAN CHOOSE AMONG THE OTHERS BECAUSE THIS HAS JUST BEEN BOUGHT (A BIG THANK YOU TO THE ONE WHO GAVE ME THIS!). Well, not exactly like Jessica Day's because it did not look good on me because one, I have a small face, and two, I have like the worst nose ever. So I opted for this:

2. HP Pavilion G6 Luminous Rose Laptop or Karim Rashid Asus 1008P Pink 10.1-inch Netbook: NEED and WANT

Okay. So maybe, 70% need and 30% want because the laptop I am using now for work is working perfectly fine. And I know nothing about laptop specifications and whatever technical features these laptops have. I only want them for their color, obviously. A regular black laptop looks too boring to look at, especially if you have to look at it for more than half a day. Seriously, I need one of these laptops, you guys! 

HP Pavilion G6 Luminous Rose Laptop

Karim Rashid Asus 1008P Pink 10.1-inch Netbook

3. Rompers, Cardigans, and Dresses: WANT


Again, I love New Girl and I love Jessica Day's style. It is quirky and fun. I know I wont really look like Jessica Day nor Zooey Deschanel but I still want to have that kind of style. Besides, I know it is weird but I feel guilty now whenever I buy things for myself especially if those things are just 'wants' and not 'needs' so I am letting you do the job.

4. Flats: WANT

I know I do not have a social life. I know I don't go out that much because of work. I know I don't need this much of flats but heck, they are all adorable. And I don't wear heels, at all. So, I think flats are kind of a need for me, too. 

5. High-Waist Shorts: WANT

Again, I just need a closet revamp and I want this new closet to be Jessica Day inspired. So, yeah, high-waist shorts would be perfect! They are ultra-comfy and they would definitely hide those unwanted fats on my tummy. Or not? I don't know but they look really cute. 

6. UP Shirts: WANT

I am into UP t-shirts now, too for I think I didn't buy UP shirts when I was still at the University. I don't know. I just thought that going to school everyday and then wearing UP shirts is a bit OA. But now that I graduated already, I would like to remind myself where I came from, once in a while. And I really think UP shirts now are more badass than those released before. UP pride! HAHA! 

Shirts and Jacket From Diliman Republic

7. Harry Potter Books: WANT

I know you would not call me a Harry Potter fan anymore if I would tell you that I have not read any of the books yet. Believe me, I want to! But, the old lazy me just didn't want to. As anybody of you may know, I am not such a fan of reading books but for Harry Potter, I am willing to do it. So, for this Christmas I would really like to have a complete set of Harry Potter books for me to read (or for Saab to read when she grows up so she could relay the story to me). 

I really want the hardcover set in a chest...

...but the paperback set will do, too.

8. Harry Potter Complete DVD Collection: NEED

Yes, this, definitely I need. I need the original DVDs so I can be able to watch the special features and documentaries included in the DVDs. But if you can find pirated ones with those included, I would definitely appreciate them as well. I need these. Seriously, I have been asking stores at least once a week if they already have a complete set but they still don't. Please find a set for me! 

9. DVDs of Movies and TV Series: NEED

As you may know now, I am more of a TV-person than a book-person (Harry Potter books and Mitch Albom books would be the only exception). And I really hate waiting for an episode a week of TV series. So you can really make me happy by giving me (pirated or original) DVDs of movies and the TV series that I watch and I want to watch. In terms of movies, any genre would do except horror films that involve ghosts and exorcism. As for TV series, I would be a really happy and hoppy bunny if you would give me House M.D. seasons 6 and 7, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. seasons 1-10, How I Met Your Mother seasons 1-7, and One Tree Hill seasons 7-9. I've got the complete seasons of Grey's Anatomy and I have been watching the latest seasons of Gossip Girl and New Girl online so you don't have to get me those. 

10. Make-up: WANT

Specifically, lipsticks of these shades (pink, brown, and  bright red), POWERFUL concealer, and blushes. Apparently, I gave up on the eye make-ups when I realized there is no way I am going to learn how to use them. Just a waste of money, so I am opting for these instead. 

11. Chocolate: NEED

These are my favorite chocolates, Lindt pure white chocolate, Toblerone white chocolate, Galaxy pure milk chocolate, and Ferrero Rocher. You can give me these for these are a need to my life right now but other brands of chocolates will be welcome, too. 

A heartfelt letter on a greeting card, a picture and a greeting posted on Facebook, a phone call

UPDATE: THESE ARE FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT HAVE JOBS LIKE CHILDREN, BABIES, AND THE ELDERLY. 

Of course I am not at all that materialistic so these three above would also do (Hi, Paula! I want one of these 3 + one of the other 9 from you :)) 

So friends and family, you know what you have to do. Besides greeting Jesus a happy birthday, you have to make this happen. Yes, I am putting the pressure on you guys. HAHAHA!