This Is Supposed to Be a Mother's Day Post

I could've said this a hundred times already but I love saying it over and over again: I just love being a mom! It is an entirely different life from what I have been living in in the past 20 years. It opened me to a lot of experiences, opportunities, and horizons I have never imagined I can know at such a young age. I may not advice young girls to get pregnant at such a young age but I may say that having a baby at an unexpected time is no less than a blessing still.

No, not everyday is a great day for a mother. Everyday, you are forced to heighten the limits of your patience as your child throw unstoppable tantrums, won't let you have an early bed time and would let you have a sleepless night instead, and would throw things at you or other things that will give you bruises.

Financially, raising a child at this age is very practical, too. Diapers, nice clothes and shoes, toys, and other things your child needs must always come first than your own clothes, nice shoes, and other things you said you 'need' just before your child was born. Prepare to cross-off spending all your salary to trivial things and selfish desires as there's little or no room for it when you become a parent.

Socially, you might have problems in this area, too if you decide to have a child at this age. You just graduated from all the toxicity of college. It is supposed to be the time to have after-work dinner with your colleagues or college buddies, weekend clubbing with your friends and boys, exploring every wonder the country has to offer, or visiting some other countries but because you now have a baby to take care of, after-work hours are meant to be spent with your little child playing or just plain nursing.

However hard it is to have a child at this age, let us not forget the joy it brings, too. What I've mentioned above, the difficulties, all of them can be washed away by a single kiss and a hug ever willingly given by my baby.

That moment when I asked her if she loves me and she just didn't give me the nod I usually get, she said 'opo' in that cute little voice of hers, I'll tell you, all those missed night-outs with friends or those missed out-of-town trips were all well-compensated. God it felt really nice!

The times when I really want to sleep early because I worked all day and I am just so tired, but then I just can't because she's still awake would be just okay when I read her a book and she falls asleep on my arms, it really is a wonderful feeling that I get to experience every single night.



Some say I've also missed a lot since I had a baby at such an early age. I'd say otherwise. I am now working for an Australian-based SEO company that gives me a salary relatively higher than other people my age. To think that I don't have to think about transportation fares, food allowances and clothing allowances because it is a home-based job, is just one of the many perks of my job.

Another thing is that this SEO and online marketing job taught me so many things that I can use when I enroll for my master's studies, hopefully, next year. SEO and online marketing is one of the trends in marketing and advertising now as many, if not, most people rely so much on online information rather than those provided by above-the-line media.

So, a very hot weather, pollution in the metro, long-travelling hours instead of spending them at home or with friends and loved ones, salary deductions, expenses-larger-than-your-actual-salary, face-to-face conversations with bossy-but-obviously-you-outsmarting-them-bosses--what did you say I missed again?

No, I didn't have a miserable life after I got pregnant at 22. It is actually the exact opposite. I am enjoying my life more than ever and I know I would be enjoying more for the years to come. I could not be more excited in bringing Saab to her ballet class or a baking class or to whatever class she is interested in. I am very much anticipating our own out-of-town and out-of-the-country trips. I could not wait for the time she can clearly say 'I love you, Mommy' (I'm not complaining though, 'mommy', 'opo', and some other things she mumbles every so often are really amusing).

So what's the purpose of this entry? It is supposed to be a mother's day post, honoring mothers, especially those that were able to see all the opportunities and boundless horizons after people told them otherwise when they found out that the girl got pregnant at such a young age. This post is supposed to be for young women like me who didn't choose to have an abortion, to those who didn't abandon their child after giving birth, who then strive to give their child the best life and the unfailing love anyone in this world would need.

Forgive me then, for giving you a blog post boasting just how blessed I am to be a mother. I guess young mothers can relate to what I've posted, or there could be ones who will be inspired by this and decide to have a baby now. HAHAHA! I don't know! What I am saying is that, every baby is a blessing. It may not come at a time when you actually plan or expect for it but, nonetheless, babies will give you so much more than money-less wallets, sleepless nights, barf-filled shirts almost every hour of everyday. Your baby will give you the love no one else could ever give you next to God.

To those mothers who withstand all the criticism, doubts, and raised eyebrows given to them by other people because they got pregnant at such a young age, continue being a great mother and you may not know it, but you are blessed more than others because God entrusted you with a baby so precious.

And to every mother out there, happy mother's day! :)

The Reason

I grew up in a household where people are a bit strict and you get scolded with the smallest things you've done wrong. You don't get to laugh that much on the dining table. You do not get to choose what you would eat. You can't afford to waste a single drop of water from your glass. You don't get to watch television in the afternoon if you didn't sleep at noon. You should not fight with your sibling and cousin. And no, you don't get to stay outside and play after 5:30 PM.

That kind of upbringing yielded positive effects. I grew up to be a good and a generally responsible person (or I believe I had). But looking now, I can assert it yielded some negative effects as well. Growing up, it was hard for me to accept the fact that I make mistakes, too. It was so hard for me to accept failure and mistakes either by me or by other people. It was and still is hard for me to accept the fact that sometimes making mistakes is okay and that other people would still forgive me and love me despite those mistakes.

To make things short, I find it hard to forgive myself for the mistakes I make. 


For an instance, when I failed my Math 11 subject the third time when I was in college, I was devastated. I asked my family to transfer me to another school or to just don't enroll me the next semester. Although they already told me that it was okay and that I could just give it another shot, I was still hesitant. I pushed myself and reviewed for exams even though my body and soul wouldn't want it anymore (I remember reviewing for an exam at 12 midnight after I got home from a field trip, with every single part of my body is aching because we went to Banahaw that day). I was just able to forgive myself for that mistake when I was able to pass the subject and graduate on time.

Or the time that I got pregnant. I can't accept the fact that my family was just disappointed. They're not mad and that they're still giving me full support no matter what. My Mamu, though, is not speaking with me up until this day which is something I cannot bear. I mean, although I am very happy with Saab's arrival on my life, I have this aching hole in my heart because I know I have disappointed a lot of people. Because of that, I still cannot forgive myself. That's the reason why I am planning to take my master's degree next year, just so I can fulfill my Mamu's wish and just so I can make them proud once again.

Now, that's the reason why I cannot face you. It is because I just cannot find a way to forgive myself for doing something very disrespectful and shameful. I am not used to people being mad at me. Although I can say that I was just provoked, it was still something I am not proud of. I know I have to prove something and do something in which I can redeem myself for that mistake. Until then, I cannot just face any of you.


I swear I pray for this everyday, that you may find yourself forgiving me. And that I may find a way to forgive myself.

Nakikiuso

At dahil uso ang magpost ng graduation pictures at kung ano-ano pang patunay na gagraduate sila ngayong taon, gusto ko ding makiuso at ipagyabang na grumaduate din ako--2 years ago. I present to you guys and gals yung 3=page acknowledgement section ng thesis ko! Yay! Mas mahaba pa sa related lit section. HAHAHA! Ang sarap grumaduate. Congrats sa mga grumaduate ngayong taon at sorry nakikisawsaw ako sa inyong tagumpay. Kudos to y'all!

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Finally, my four years of college is done. And what better way to end this other than thanking all those people who helped me all throughout?  I didn’t know how hard it is to translate in to words how thankful I am to these people, but I think I will give it a shot. To the following people, I offer the very last paragraphs I would write as a college student:

To myself

            Thank you for not giving up whenever it seemed like everything is not going the way you want it to be. Thank you for always believing that you can finish your thesis and that you will graduate on time. Thank you for not giving in to all the distractions. You may have the tendency to be lazy and to procrastinate almost all of the time, but I am glad you get things done on time (well, most of the time). Your efforts to stay awake at night and skip a good 8-hour sleep finally paid off.  

To my family

My mommy and daddy, who never failed to show how much they love and care for me, despite the distance between us. Thank you for all the encouraging words and all the support you have unfailingly provided me throughout the years. I may not say this often but I do love and miss you very much. Thank you for always believing in me.

To my siblings, thank you for putting up with all my mood swings. To Lara, thank you for your understanding those times whenever I am too busy to help you with your assignments or your drawings. Thank you for your understanding whenever I am not being a good sister or when I am being very masungit. To Tan-tan, thank you for making the Power Point presentation for my thesis defense and for all those other projects I am not capable of doing.

To Mamu, Dadu, Nanay, and Tatay, cousins, aunties, and uncles, thank you for all your support and for always believing in me. Thank you for providing me everything I would need, be it, financially, or encouraging words. You have always been there for me whenever I need help. Thank you for being so excited over the thought of me graduating.

To Mam Pulumbarit

            For being oh so motherly to all your Pulumbarit Babies; For being very supportive; For always answering all my questions (in person, in Facebook chat), whether it is irrelevant or relevant to my thesis; For saying ‘maganda pala ang thesis topic mo’, thus encouraging me to continue what I am doing; And for understanding whenever I am too lost and too distracted to function—thank you. I could not have finished my thesis without your guidance. Being your advisee was circumstantial, but I am sure glad I did become one. Also, I always love sitting on your desk because the inspirational message posted on your table (the one that says ‘YOU say… GOD says…’, really gives me hope and inspire me to go on every time I read it. 

To Sir Henson and Mam Aclan

            Thank you for being so forgiving during my thesis defense and for improving my thesis through your intelligent comments and suggestions. And thank you for proving my theory that thesis defense is easier than it sounds. Thank you very much.

To all my professors

            Thank you for imparting your knowledge and for not making it easy for us to pass your subjects, thus, making us all better persons. We may not realize it during those times, and all we thought of was how toxic your subjects are, but I know, now, that all of that is for us to be ready in facing the challenges of the ‘real world’, outside the comforts of the UP Manila campus. 

To my OrCom 2010 batchmates

            Four years of being with very multi-talented, brilliant, and intelligent people will truly be unforgettable and irreplaceable. I may not be very sociable and expressive, but being with these kinds of people remind me every day how privileged I am to study and graduate in UP.

To my UP barkada   

            To Ryo, Jhe, Angge, Paula, Dave, Nike, Jona, Marie, Kamil and Jasper, among others, you know I am not a very friendly person, I value my time alone, and I am not the kind of person who easily lets people in to my life but I am glad you guys managed to get through. Thank you for all the help and support you have given me throughout the entire four years of our stay in UP. I may have relied on you so much, most of the time, kaya nga I can’t be thankful enough, to all of you. Thank you for sharing with me those rants, stories, jokes, gossips, bonding moments, everything. Basically, thank you for making my stay at the University bearable and enjoyable.  I love you. Ayiie. Parang mag-jojowa lang. Hahaha.

To my best friends   

            To Celine, Jobeth, RJ, and Mia, thank you for always sticking up with me through basically everything I’ve gone through. You have always been there for me all these years and I know you will always be in the coming years, I could never be thankful enough for that. You are those very few people who understand me even in my silence. Thank you for bringing me up whenever I can’t bring myself up. Thank you for lending those ears when I needed people to understand. Thank you for everything. We may not get to say this everyday to each other, because we know we’re not that kind of best friends, but I love you very much mga days!

To Puroy

            Thank you for sticking up with me and for being very patient whenever I am being very impossible to deal with. Thank you for not giving me up whenever it seems nothing is going right between us. We may not always see eye to eye, argue every single day because of every petty thing there is to fight about, but I am very much thankful of having to spend three (and counting) wonderful years with you. And by the way, thank you for giving me something else to think and worry about other than my thesis. Haha!   

 And ultimately, to my Lord God

Thank You for giving me everything I needed in life. Thank You for making me feel blessed through these people. Thank You for not leaving my side during my darkest days. Thank You for always being there to listen to whatever it is that I am going to say. I could not have done this if You have not given me the strength, guidance, and wisdom I just need. Lord God, I am offering all of what I have and all of what I am to You.

  

I firmly believe that, whether it is good or bad, happy or sad everything ends.  As the saying goes, ‘this too shall pass.’ And I am ecstatic this chapter of my life finally did.

Again for all those people who made this sweet ending possible, thank you.

2012 Quantumlinx Conference and Team-building

On my previous post, I mentioned that the company that I am working with was having a conference and team-building at Boracay and that I was rather nervous than excited about it. For one, it will be my first time to meet all of my workmates whom I have been working with for almost half a year now. And second, it will also be my first time to be apart from Saab. As you may know, she's still breastfeeding and this will be a test run if she could actually bottle-feed.

Well, the event was held last March 19-21and surprisingly, I enjoyed all the activities prepared by the company for everybody.

Day 1


On day 1, the company held a conference tackling the objectives and goals our executives have for the company. We discussed every objective and how this can be attained through the help of our ideas on how to make our every department better. We also had an activity wherein we had to align the company's goals to our own personal values and I must say that I enjoyed that activity very much as it helped me reflect on the things I valued most.

During the conference, it was also the first time that I was able to talk to some of my workmates and to be aware that these people actually exist in the company. Pardon me, but I have this personality that I don't mingle with a lot of people and that as much as possible reserve myself to the circle of friends I already have. The activities such as the 'speed dating' activity wherein you have to talk to everyone of your workmates about a certain topic at a time was very refreshing. It gave me jitters but it was something new and I kind of enjoyed it.

This is me leading a presentation from our department on
how to further improve the company's processes

Yay for me for making new friends!

In one of our short breaks during the conference,
we managed to get on the shore and be silly

Us working on an activity which in essence is aligning your personal values
to the company's processes and objectives

Day 2


On day 2, the HR department prepared a whole day of team-building activities that were all fun and enjoyable. We were grouped not according to our departments so I was able to sort of widen my connections as I am not only friends with the people on my department but with people from the other departments as well. First impressions were all replaced with good laughs, team work, and friendship.

After the team-building activities, we finally had the time to swim  on the beach. It was surreal that after almost two days of being there and not being able to get ourselves wet, we finally were able to do so. Of course, jump shots on the beach are a must-- I don't know if this is for everyone or if it's just me.

Boracay, still is the nicest beach I have ever set foot on. I know I have yet lots of places to go to but so far, Boracay is still unbeatable.

Company Photo Op

Day 3


On our last day, we were allowed to do whatever we want so we decided to go on banana-boating and helmet diving. We also wanted to avail the island hopping package but we don't have the time to do so. I actually enjoyed banana-boating because I requested for our guide to make it extreme or to make us fall on our seats. We didn't actually fall from the banana boat but at least the speedboat driver tried his best to have us fall on our seats. The first time I tried this, I was with my sister and cousins who are just kids so safety first, we weren't allowed to go on the extremes.

Helmet diving was unbelievable. I was so terrified of actually going underwater I had doubts of joining them until the very last minute. I was continuously asking the divers and the tour guide random questions like if there would be a chance that we would encounter sharks, or that if there's a chance that we would drown, or other questions that would make it evident how bad I was freaking out. I was asking questions and silently praying for God to give me strength and to take away all the fears and jitters that I was feeling at the moment. I was even more scared when some of my friends on the first batch to dive slipped underwater and the other one emerged after just 10 seconds, I don't know, because he was nervous as hell, too. But I made it! I lasted for more than 10 minutes underwater (too bad the divers said that that time was up already). It was definitely an experience I should try again come May.

All in all, it was such a refreshing experience. I met new people, I tried new activities, and I realized a lot of new things during the team-building and conference. But one realization impacts me the most. It is that I don't enjoy things as much when I do them with Saab. I know, it is supposed to be a company event but I was actually asking them if I could bring my baby with me. I did enjoy the three-day event but I know I would have enjoyed it better if I were with Saab. I don't know, I was just thinking of her the whole time I was there and I was calling Ferald, every hour or so. I cannot wait for our Boracay trip on May!

Shopper's Remorse

Shopper's Remorse: The guilt a person feels right after shopping for an item or items.


Basically, shopping remorse is what I have been feeling for not just a day but for the whole month of February. Up until now, I cannot think of any logical and sane reason why I spent all my salary for the exact items posted below.

Yes, ladies and gents, that is where exactly my entire salary went. And no, I am not exaggerating here. Okay, maybe a bit because I also bought a pair of swimwear for Saab, a month supply of diapers, and paid for last month's credit card bill, but hey, apart from a month supply of diapers, I don't think I bought something that I really need this month. Oh, on second thoughts, maybe a thousand worth of chocolates is indeed a need. 

So, why am I writing this post? No, not because I want to brag how much of a 'shopper' I am or how rich I am. Besides, if I am rich, I won't be posting this in the first place. I am posting this so I could realize and I would be able to remember how stupid I was for acquiring all of these in a month. Yes, it is not bad to buy things for yourself sometimes, but not in expense of your monthly budget. <insert all curses available in here>.

I don't know what's about me that when I like to buy something, for example, a swimwear, I won't stop buying every other swimwear that I would like from then on. I like to hoard stuff, as you can see. Now to divulge more information about this stupid habit of mine, let me tell you how I started hoarding Nyx lipsticks and swimwears. 

My friend, Jona, gave me a Nyx matte lipstick last Christmas. I found it nice and inexpensive so when I found an online store for Nyx products, I was like buying lipsticks from there almost every week. I was thinking, I want to start a collection of Nyx lipsticks and I want to have every color in their palette. Crazy, right? 

As for the swimwears, I will be having Boracay trips in March and in May, and I thought of buying a pair of swimwear at first. But then I found all of these cute high-waist swimwears and thought, "hey, these are the perfect swimwears for me. These can hide all my flabs ad stretch marks. Fantastic!" And then there was I, browsing through online stores and hoarding all the high-waist swimwears and monokinis I can find, ALMOST ALL DAY, EVERYDAY. 

No, I don't want to sound like someone from Twitter whose tweets have #conyoproblems hashtags on them. But, seriously? All of a month's salary for just these? Sinusuot ko na nga lang yung mga swimsuit ko when I feel like it kahit nasa  kwarto lang ako nagtatrabaho. I also wear lipsticks at times and ask Lara and Sophia if I can put make up on their sweet, innocent faces. Just so masulit ko man lang yung sweldo ko. HAHAHAHAHA!~

I guess that's the downside of having your salary deposited on your account just once a month. You think you have all the money in the world to spend not realizing na after spending all of those, nga-nga ka na lang for the rest of the days of that month. Sana tumigil na ko sa pago-overspend.

At sana, mag-March 15 na, para dumating na sweldo ko. 

Thoughts on Having an Online Job

As you may know (yes, all three of you who regularly visit my blog and is definitely a close friend of mine), I have been working on online jobs since last year when I decided (or should I say, when I was forced to stay at home because of the birth of the cutest little thing on Earth) to just stay at home and take care of my baby. Well, almost a year after that, I guess I can say that I am enjoying my life right now as a work-from-home corporate slave.

Perks:

1. I can work wherever I want. No, no workstation for me. I prefer to work on my bed, from 7 am - 4 pm. Can you imagine how nice it is to just work while sitting (or sometimes, laying) on your bed comfortably, almost all day, everyday? It is so comfortable that I sometimes fall asleep unintentionally. Shhhh! Don't let the bosses know! Which brings me to point number 2.

2. I can do whatever I want besides work. Provided that I will be able to finish all tasks due at a specific day, I have the freedom to do whatever I want. I can doze off (during breaks, of course! hehehe), I can eat while working, I can catch up on the TV series I have failed to watch during the week, I can sing loudly as I want to, to any songs, not having to worry if my co-workers don't like the song that I am singing--or more likely wouldn't like my voice. You get the point, right?

3. I can be with Saab all day long. And the most important reason of them all, the very reason why I chose to work from home, in the first place, is that I can be with Saab all day, I can watch over her and even play with her. With these online jobs, I don't have to worry that I might be missing out with all the milestones she has achieved and she will be achieving as she grows older.

Not forgetting the tax-free salary, along with the flexible work hours and quality time for my baby everytime, who says you can't have the best of both worlds?

I have worries though.

In March, we will be having our annual conference/team building sesh in Boracay. Being the introvert that I am, I kind of feel nervous regarding this. I know it will be weird for me. I am not the kind that can easily make friends. I am not the type who loves small talks and getting-to-know-you convos. Heck, I am not even the kind that will say hi or hello with people who looks nice or friendly.

I know it will be kind of weird for me to finally see faces for the first time whom I have been talking to for months now. To actually be talking to them face-to-face. Is it just me?

Well, I guess I will just have to see. After all, meeting new people, going out and talking to people would be somewhat refreshing since I go out, I don't know, just once a month?

I Enjoyed it More than She Did

Last Sunday, we celebrated Saab's 1st birthday through a ballerina-themed party. It was nice seeing other people than me wearing tutus and ballet shoes. I got the idea from the thought that I want Saab to be a ballerina someday or any other sport or passion she wants to pursue- I just wanted her to be better than me. What I mean by that is I want her to have passions better than what I was passionate about when I was a kid--tamagochi, spiders, pokemon text cards, and cartoons. I want her to be passionate about dancing, singing, painting--just anything better than what I had, hence the ballerina-themed party. 

So, Saab was a bit grumpy that day. I don't know if it is because the dress she was wearing or because she didn't have enough sleep or food that day. One thing's for sure: I enjoyed the party more than she did. I rented face painters and a photobooth service among others. The cake, despite the initial disappointment about how it looked like and how small it was when we picked it up, surprisingly tasted great. The tutus I made for me, Saab, and for some other people looked nice and it was actually really fun to dress up like a ballerina at least at one point in your life, right? You see how excited I am in talking about these? No? Okay. Let the pictures just speak for themselves of how much I enjoyed Saab's first birthday more than she did:

See my DIY ballerina costume? I enjoyed wearing them very much
but apparently, people who stand beside me in photo ops or any
other instances didn't because I was 'itchy' to be beside at.

She's watching the clowns and you can see in her face how boring the clowns were
that day. If she could only talk, she's tell them to shut up but all she could do for now are smirks.
Poor kid.

She did enjoy the part where we gave her marshmallows. And that was it. 

Even the blowing of the candle was something I had fun doing more than she did.

Saab was given a lot of things to munch on during photo ops just so
she'd not throw tantrums. Still, no smiles were given that day. Sorry

Again. No smiles.

Thank goodness I have best friends whom I can share the  sort of embarassing
act of wearing tutus. But hey, we all looked adorable, right? 

Face paintings were not just for kids.

Oh, she did enjoy seeing these gifts on the bed--well just because she has something
to step on and it looked like a mountain to climb, too.

All in all, I think I succeeded in planning and executing Saab's birthday party because a lot of other people enjoyed the party as much as I did. Which brings me to the idea and frustration of putting up an events management business. If I had one, I will hire my brother and a friend of mine to do the photobooth and photo coverage services. I will hire my tita Myla for all the balloon twisting. I will hire my tita Liezel for the catering services specializing in desserts. I will be the overall consultant for parties, weddings, and other events. Hey, anyone who's got money for capital can join, too. Who's with me?

Maybe Saab really didn't enjoy the party. But that's okay. Maybe someday, when she sees all of these pictures, when she reads all of the birthday greetings, and when she reads my birthday blog post for her, she'd think that she had an awesome first birthday party. :)