The Reason

I grew up in a household where people are a bit strict and you get scolded with the smallest things you've done wrong. You don't get to laugh that much on the dining table. You do not get to choose what you would eat. You can't afford to waste a single drop of water from your glass. You don't get to watch television in the afternoon if you didn't sleep at noon. You should not fight with your sibling and cousin. And no, you don't get to stay outside and play after 5:30 PM.

That kind of upbringing yielded positive effects. I grew up to be a good and a generally responsible person (or I believe I had). But looking now, I can assert it yielded some negative effects as well. Growing up, it was hard for me to accept the fact that I make mistakes, too. It was so hard for me to accept failure and mistakes either by me or by other people. It was and still is hard for me to accept the fact that sometimes making mistakes is okay and that other people would still forgive me and love me despite those mistakes.

To make things short, I find it hard to forgive myself for the mistakes I make. 


For an instance, when I failed my Math 11 subject the third time when I was in college, I was devastated. I asked my family to transfer me to another school or to just don't enroll me the next semester. Although they already told me that it was okay and that I could just give it another shot, I was still hesitant. I pushed myself and reviewed for exams even though my body and soul wouldn't want it anymore (I remember reviewing for an exam at 12 midnight after I got home from a field trip, with every single part of my body is aching because we went to Banahaw that day). I was just able to forgive myself for that mistake when I was able to pass the subject and graduate on time.

Or the time that I got pregnant. I can't accept the fact that my family was just disappointed. They're not mad and that they're still giving me full support no matter what. My Mamu, though, is not speaking with me up until this day which is something I cannot bear. I mean, although I am very happy with Saab's arrival on my life, I have this aching hole in my heart because I know I have disappointed a lot of people. Because of that, I still cannot forgive myself. That's the reason why I am planning to take my master's degree next year, just so I can fulfill my Mamu's wish and just so I can make them proud once again.

Now, that's the reason why I cannot face you. It is because I just cannot find a way to forgive myself for doing something very disrespectful and shameful. I am not used to people being mad at me. Although I can say that I was just provoked, it was still something I am not proud of. I know I have to prove something and do something in which I can redeem myself for that mistake. Until then, I cannot just face any of you.


I swear I pray for this everyday, that you may find yourself forgiving me. And that I may find a way to forgive myself.